Think About The Way VIII

By Doctor Gonzo 

30 September 1999

Minneapolis — Bobby & Steve's Auto World is one of the most hopping places at 3:30 AM on a Sunday morning. I had just gotten off work with a huge appetite, and Bobby & Steve's had a grill that was open until at least 4. I figured that there was no better place to go for some hella good fries and onion rings, so I drove up and entered. I thought I would only be spending a few minutes there, and afterward I would go home to enjoy my food in peace.

I didn't feel a close connection with the clientele. That night, there were about a half-dozen off-duty cops and security guards, due to a good number of concerts that had gone on Saturday night. They were evenly matched, number-wise, with the usual gang of shoplifters and party animals looking for a little sustenance to make it through the night. Unattractive women, long past their prime too early in life, wearing skimpy halter tops and short dresses. Their escorts had gold chains and unbuttoned shirts, looking out from under half-closed eyelids towards the brat their woman was buying. After some jostling and dirty looks sent both ways, they would leave, getting into their cars to wait for the break of day.

I wasn't partying, nor did I care to stay up all night. I just wanted some cheap food. I hadn't eaten in about ten hours, and I knew I had no food at home. Conversation I was avoiding, and a long-term visit was out of the question. These people are not my own. Thus, one can imagine my frustration when I went out to my car and it stubbornly refused to start. I was stranded, and after my day I was about to fuck the whole thing and leave my car where it was, in a 10-minute parking spot. It would be towed eventually, and it would be out of mind.

I didn't give it all up, however, and eventually I did have the thing hauled about thirty feet to the garage that Bobby & Steve happen to run. Considering my recent discouragement, it is somewhat of a small miracle that I didn't hurl my car keyes onto the freeway and start walking home then and there. I thought that I had found the worst possible place to have a car break down.

Until a week later . . .

For it is one thing to have a car not start; it is quite another for my car to stall at 60 m.p.h. heading towards Savage City, decadent Johnnieville and Further Points Weird. Especially after I had shelled out $700 to fix the goddamn thing. Thus, my plans for my first Saturday off in weeks were fucked, and the Great Magnet was kicking me in the ass once again to repay me for my sins.

But probably not. Forgetting for the moment that I have no choice but to play the Good Catholic at this point in time, there is much to lead me to believe that this malaise is not aimed specifically at me. Instead, there is a lot going unnoticed that points to a simple fact: things aren't as great as people think they are. Depressing news is easily overlooked now for some reason: yet another guy going crazy and shooting up a church, people are being massacred for wanting freedom (this time, off the Continent), and Russian bombers are making a bee-line towards Alaska for no good reason. Even economists are saying that things have sucked since April 1998, only nobody is reporting it because big irrelevant numbers make much better news.

Perhaps it is a precursor to the end of the world, now a bit more than three months away. Perhaps it is that weird autumn event, when chaos and catastrophe builds to a crescendo over a few weeks to be replaced with manic activity. Maybe it's the compression in Gonzo's cylinders. I don't know. But the emptiness is real nonetheless. Achieving my goals gives me less joy now than it used to: I gave myself three conditions under which I would stay in lovely Minneapolis, and I met two of them. I got promoted, and I am finally getting columns printed in the Minnesota Daily. Two out of three ain't bad, and those were not really small accomplishments. The third, however, is in flux, mainly because I chose to leave its definition loose: to take a look at the people around me, and decide if they are really worth it.

It seems to be a cruel thing to say that my acquaintances are worthless, which is what it appears I am doing on the surface. However, the "who" does not disturb me nearly as much as the trends of late. What keeps me from declaring an all-out win on all fronts is that I have lost a good number of decent people this year. I am not used to high turnover rates, and in the end I am left feeling as stalled as my car was on I-694. Just a calm expression on a face asking "what now?"

Some are temporary, others were permanent. Some were the inevitable result of a long period of deterioration, but most were not. Some were the result of something as meaningless as physical distance, others had far more serious reasons; some I knew, others I didn't. And so on, blah blah blah. It came and went, though about a month ago I was in dire straits as my supply of good conversation was dangerously low. This was definitely a bad combination, as I couldn't help but think about why this had happened.

But things changed, people moved around, hatreds bubbled up to the surface and could thus be dealt with, and now I seem to be rather happy with how things are. There is no use in comparing my happiness now with past happiness, and that habit is one I am getting better at breaking. However, from time to time it is difficult to evade, especially when somebody comes around and gives you the "Guess who I saw the other day?" line. Then, as surely as throwing a piano into a jet engine will cause things to rattle unpleasantly, my mind begins to run like an engine with a handful of change in it.

Good friends are hard to come by. I didn't realize this until I was forced to do all kinds of crazy things due to a dearth of discussion opportunities. When I finally did have the chance to bullshit with intelligent people again about art, womyn, politics, work, what other people think of these things, I was happy. I did find a strange thing, however. There is still something missing, and as I continue to change my mind about what I think the path to happiness is, I try to seek it out.